You know how it is. You and your significant other are having a spat or you’re just generally frustrated with something and choosing to vent the way women like to vent. And then he says something to send you to the next level.
Take me, for example. I’m a Scorpio (and don’t really believe in astrology). I’m passionate and skeptical and have a difficult time not showing my emotions on my face or expressing my opinion about something. I’m obsessive and compulsive and can fixate on a topic for hours sometimes. So if something upsets me, offends me, rubs me the wrong way, you can bet that I’m going to talk about it.
And then, I hear it from TC, “Why don’t you just calm down?”
You would think he would have learned by now that the last way to get me to calm down is to tell me to calm down. To me, that’s him saying, “I think you’re being ridiculous and I think you’re overreacting. I don’t care as much about what you’re talking about. I think you’re wrong for feeling this way.”
I know that I’m reading too much into those “calm down” words, but that’s just how I hear it.
And then I escalate and don’t calm down. At all.
How about you? Are there any magic words that can cause you to escalate? Or maybe there are magic words that do actually calm you down?
A (not-so-flattering) photo reenactment of a spat between TC and me (which is actually a funny story about the day we got engaged) taken by Tracy Turpen
{ 61 comments… read them below or add one }
I am also a scorpio who doesn’t really believe in astrology, but from what I know, I am dead-on scorpio. My husband always says ‘we’ll figure it out,’ which sends me thru the roof!
I HATE to be told to calm down. Obviously I am upset….so let me be upset!
I am the same way! Dustin will tell me I just need to chill and of course that makes it worse!
I think the words “calm down” send most women over the edge!
“think about what you’re saying” and “whatever, jess” are the 2 fastest ways to sleeping on the couch in my house!!
Evs is fond of saying “let’s just get over it!” NO! LET’S NOT.
This usually occurs after the spat, when we’ve said our “I’m sorrys” but I’m just still sulking or brooding or whatever. He is very good about apologizing quickly and moving on… I am terrible at admitting when I am wrong (working on that really hard!) and I tend to hold on to things longer. Not for days or even hours, but if I’m riled up, it takes me a couple of moments to cool off and get back into a good mood. The “let’s just get over it” DOES NOT HELP.
My words that my husband says are, “oh, well”. He’s good at letting things roll off his back and I’m not. When I hear those two words, it’s like him saying to me, “this doesn’t really matter, you know? Why are you wasting time and energy on something so trivival?” Or, “I really don’t care about this. Can we talk about something else?”
It took me a long time to realize those were the two words that annoyed/hurt me. And, I let him know. He is a little bit better about it now, but they still slip out from time to time.
Having someone tell you to calm down is infuriating! I agree! The person might as well say, “Shut up.” And no one ever wants to hear that!
I might possibly have a selective memory during arguments, but it drives me nuts when my husband asks me to repeat something I said five minutes earlier. I can never reproduce it exactly and we end up fighting about my inability to remember the conversation instead of the issue at hand. It’s usually funny in retrospect, just not at the time!
Ahhh, “calm down” is the worst!!! Nick always JUST tells me, “it’ll be okay” and leaves it at that! It’s his way of avoiding a discussion and always sends me over the edge, which he obviously doesn’t understand at all!
I think it’s being told how to feel or react. I’m an Aries, and I’ll damn well do as I please, so being told what to do INFURIATES me. Or, “Why are you making this such a big deal?” Ughh. It’s a big deal because I’m in love with a moron. The end.
I totally agree with the “Let’s Calm Down” thing. Thomas (my fiance) says that to me often and I hear it just the same. It rarely actually calms me down. I think guys and girls just speak different languages sometimes. They seem to be able to move on easily, while most girls I know can’t.
I hate to be told to calm down too!! Isn’t it crazy how what we hear and what is being said to us are two different things?
My fiance says “just relax” and O MY GOODNESS – that is a recipe for disaster! I always end up saying (shouting) “don’t tell me to RELAX!” He is very non-confrontational and I am a “lets talk about it” kind of girl. I’m learning to let the little things go and he is learning to talk about his feelings more – so hopefully we are able to meet halfway.
I think him saying “I don’t want to talk about this right now” always sets me off. Its his way of getting a break to think and have that calming down period but it ALWAYS translates to me thinking “I don’t want to deal with you and this lame issue”. Feeling that I’ve been disrespected is my hot button issue. And like you I have no poker face when it comes to my emotions.
Cute photo!!
As a matter of fact my hubby told me (emotional pregnant wife) last night that I was being overly dramatic when we were talking about things I can’t do now that I’m pregnant. Dramatic, who me?
Anything anyone says in an argument in an attempt to calm me or pacify me irritates me and makes me more mad. I’ll blame it on being a Scorpio, too.
I don’t necessarily believe in astrology either, but I’m the last day of Scorpio and my husbans is the first day – I have to think that there’s some cosmic shizzle going on between us. Like there’s an astrological rule that such birthdays should NEVER fight – because when we fight ugh – it gets ugly. I’m working on trying not to raise my voice when I’m angry (because I tend to yell as soon as I’m upset) and my husband has promised me he will never again utter words regarding “that time of the month” when I’m upset. Yep – he did it. And he laughed so hard at my reaction that he promised to never do it again.
One of the biggest problems we have actually stems from one of the things I admire most about my husband – he forgives quickly. Like really quickly. If I say I’m sorry about something I did, it’s over and done with and he moves on. If he apologizes? I usually still make him work for it for a few more hours and I hold a grudge…I need to improve on that too.
OOOOOOO you know I can relate.
Mine is when he says, Whatever, I’m sorry (esp. when he’s said it a hundred times before for the same thing and nothing has changed), please calm down, take a breather (I DIE when he says this).
AHHHHHH
Ooh, “calm down” is right up there with the Mr. trying to solve problems that I am more than content to bitch and whine about. Is this a guy thing? Just let me be crazy for a second, dude.
My husband is a fixer. Whatever the problem is, he just starts shooting off ideas asking if I tried this, or that, or the other to solve the problem. While he is GREAT at trying to solve things… sometimes when I’m pissed, I just want to vent. I don’t want to try to solve the problem yet; I just need to stew for a few minutes. And it is SO aggravating when I just want to be upset and he won’t let me, because he’s too busy asking what I’ve done to try to fix the situation!
Oh my goodness… I’ve even had the discussion with J about “trigger” phrases… including “Why are you being so emotional?” AHHHHH!! Watch out for the karate chop because your head is coming off!
I’m thinking the words calm down should be stricken from a man’s vocabulary! They are definitely trigger words! Love that photo of you–so cute!
HA, so glad to know I am not the only one who goes to the next level when told to “calm down” or when I am trying to argue my point and he just completely stops talking to me because he knows that makes me more mad then anything, LOL!
i love that picture. that picture is my life…sans baby…but soon!
husband frequently says “will you be quiet for a second!” when we are in a heated discussion. i also hate when husband says “whatever.” that is possibly the worst thing he could ever say. it infuriates me.
i’m a virgo, obsessive compulsive, type a, and always want to be in a control. it’s hard for me allow someone else to take control.
Oh gosh, I don’t like being told to calm down either! That picture is so cute though. You look cute even during a spat!
My husband likes to tell me to “relax, everything is going to be fine.” Drives me nuts!!!
The “Fine. It’s done. Whatever.” as he stomps or sulks off sends me off the edge. He’s just saying it to quit talking about it, but he’s obviously still mad. Boys. Think they have to keep everything inside…
He says “we’ll see” rather than addressing the issue. Sets me on FIRE.
Fellow scorpio that isn’t into astrology here. I really hate for someone to ask “what’s wrong with you?” when there is obviously something wrong. Aghh! It just hits me the wrong way and seems really rude to make me talk about whatever I am stewing over.
“are you pms’ing?”
Weather I am or not, those three words just eat at me!!!
This describes me to a T. Everything you wrote could be written about me. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that we are both Scorpios.
I am also a Scorpio and am exactly the same. If I get into a spat with the hubs I don’t even have to say anything, he can just read it on my face. Sometimes we just end up laughing about it!
Maybe this is my problem – I am a Scorpio! You may have just helped figure it out.
I fixate on things for hours and sometimes days.
I hate when my husband tells me to calm down!! I have started to just let him yell and get it out while I sit and try to hold my tongue. My mother always told me if you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all!
On a side note I have to say I love your blog and I have an 18 month old son named Hudson!
HILARIOUS!! I’m right there with ya. That’s my hot button.
My FB status a week ago was, “Ironically, I wasn’t really angry until I was told to calm down.”
And here’s the thing… If I say something calmly, he acts like he just needs to lend an ear. He doesn’t need to fix anything or change at all or see my point of view. Just be quiet and listen. (Although, I swear, he’s not listening. He’s tuning me out.)
If I get heated in an attempt to show that this IS actually important and I’m gonna to need some type of response or action on his part, then he blames my hormones. Ever since I had babies, in his mind, my hormones are the root of every disagreement. It couldn’t possibly be that I’m making a valid point. Nope. Julie’s just hormonal.
Cute pic! Now you MUST tell us the story behind the pic!
I have to really work to not get emotional during an argument. I wear my heart on a sleeve 24/7, so it takes very little for me to feel tears coming on (even commercials!). At that point, I have to remove myself from the conversation to calm down, because if I let the waterworks start, I lose control and the conversation escalates from a friendly disagreement to a fight. I’ll go to the other room, stew for a minute, and then pull myself together. I’m able to return to the conversation and finish it after that, and learning to keep my emotions in check has been such a blessing. It’s when my husband says “I can’t talk to you when you get like this” that I can’t finish the discussion. I’m trying to think of an example of him saying that and what I was doing to make him feel that way, but I can’t think of one, except that it must be when I don’t pull myself together, if not tears, then just my temper. It’s his way of saying “You’re overreacting,” and it is absolutely infuriating! And it makes me put a wall up and be unwilling to continue the discussion.
I can definitely relate to this topic. I think anytime that I feel that my feelings aren’t at least understood, I get a little upset. I don’t have to be right with The Hubs, I just want him to at least understand my perspective. But I am usually right.
)
That pic is hilarious! The Mr and I find ourselves arguing about the same thing sometimes and he’ll say, “You’re always mad!” That sets me off bc I’m not always mad…only when arguing about the same thing. Men.
I hear you 100%! I (very) oftentimes take things my hubby says way too personally and read way too much into it. Ahh.
I am the exact same as you – right down to the Scorpio part. The words I CANNOT stand are “it’s not that big of a deal”. Well to me, at the moment, it IS a big deal. Telling me it’s not will not suddenly make me forget it.
Mr. P will bust out with a real short “Ok” if I’m going on and on about something. He’ll cut me off with that. I literally see RED. Or he’ll tell me that I’m being “a bit ridiculous”. I want to kill him.
Yep – I’m the same as you! My trigger words are “Calm down,” “not in front of the baby” (bugs me especially when he started it) and “just sayin’.” I DESPISE “just sayin’”. I mean, what? What exactly are you “sayin’?”
Sometimes I just smile at my husband and start laughing in the middle of our fight. It reminds me to take myself less seriously
I think this only works one way though. If the husband started laughing, it might not have the same effect 
Oooo… I just read Jennifer’s. Those are good. I forgot about “not in front of the baby”. That KILLS me. It feels like my mothering skills are being attacked.
And for the record, all I’m doing “in front of the baby” is disagreeing with you. Not yelling. Not cussing. Not throwing things. Don’t make it seem bigger than it is.
“You must be getting ready to start!!!!!” OMGOSH that makes me furious! As if the only time in a whole month I get mad is when I am about to start! I always want to know what his excuse is, is he about to start???? LOL!!!!!
Calm down during a spat is the worst thing my fiance can say to me. Hate. IT!
If my husband utters the words, “Why are you going all nuts on this?” I literally have to leave the room to calm down. It gets real ugly when those words are uttered. My heart is racing just writing them down
My husband says “There’s no point getting upset about it” and it makes me furious because I am upset and want to talk about it. PS I’m a reader from Australia – just wanted you to know you have international followers
I’m a scorpio as well and totally feel your pain! I tend to get worked up really easy and my fiance will say “take a breath” when I get angry. It just makes me even more mad!
Awe, such a cute photo! I hate when Mr. Guru tells me to calm down.
Someone telling me to ‘relax’…ugh!! My students last year figured out (I probably told them…sigh) that using those ‘calm down’ type words drives me crazy, so what do you think they did just to irritate me?? ha
You are always dressed soo darn cute! U are just soo cute! I love this post.. me and you are a lot alike! I always get annoyed way too easy and let little stupid things get to me! It really sets me off when Ryan tells me I am overreacting.. because to me, I am not overreacting!
New to your blog and LoViNg it and your personality. So cute! I like you, HATE the words “Calm down” Oh boy, does it send my blood pressure shooting, and crazy-psycho-ex-girlfriend like behavior QUITE likely to occur! Dont know what it is, guess its bc you know deep down, your being, you know, well, whatever, and then they say it, and it confirms your deep thoughts, and it just, ticks – you – off. Because, we are so entitled to have bitchy moments. Whether we know we are overreacting or not. So there. Sigh.
The paragraph about Scorpios is so accurate in describing me. Our lucky husbands!
Another Scorpio here! It looks like us Scorpios should all get together and have a group vent!
It makes me feel really good to see that there are so many women out there that have the SAME problems with their spouses/significant others as I do. My fiance’ is a “fixer” too. I really think men don’t understand the concept of just needing to vent and receive empathy. If I want you to solve my problems, I’ll tell you. And also, the “calm down” thing. Ugh. Absolutely hate that. I am truly starting to believe that men are wired one way and us women are wired completely different…and by different, I mean correctly.
Thanks for a great post!!
Oh my, I am the SAME way! Dustin’s word that sends me off my rocker is chill out! REALLY? 7 years later, you think he’d figure out what NOT to say when trying to calm me down! Yikes!
Ahhhh my husband says the same thing and nothing makes me angrier!!! I will calm down eventually, just let me mad right now, you would think he would learn after all these years but he hasn’t.
That’s hilarious! I’m a typical Scorpio as well and my fiance is the most laid back and easygoing person you’ll ever meet. He doesn’t understand why I get so frustrated and why I need a few minutes to calm down alone. He always tries to settle me down which makes me more annoyed! I’m so glad I’m not the only “moody” Scorpio!