So one day you’re a twenty-something engaged gal. It’s all about you (and your groom) and you’re planning a gorgeous wedding, being showered with gifts, enjoying the time with your friends and family and relishing every second.
Then another day you’re a twenty-something married gal. It’s all about the two of you, still. Your home, your fun nights at home with dinner and television, your fun nights out with dinner and movies. You love your freedom to head to weekend weddings and weekend away game road trips. Maybe a fun mini-vacation is on the horizon and there’s nothing stopping you from going. You’ve saved your money and any trip is relaxing.
Then all of a sudden, you’re shocked and surprised that you are now a twenty-something married gal who is 7 weeks pregnant. After being married for five months. You can’t be selfish because your body has been turned over to your unborn child. Your eating habits, your drinking habits, your sleeping habits are no longer for you. There’s a big invisible sign that says, “stop what you’re doing and do it this way instead.”
After 9 months of selflessness (which includes complaining a little about the selflessness), your baby is here. And there’s lots of love and lots of activity. There’s also a lot of activity that is just done out of habit. And habit turns into sleepless nights, which turns into running on adrenaline. You’re still sacrificing sleep and because you’ve chosen to breast feed, you’re sacrificing certain foods and all alcohol.
But after the adrenaline wears off and you’re running on fumes, you start calling for backup. Because we all need a little sleep every now and then. And we all need a little time to ourselves to be selfish. To read a book, take a bath, dry our hair and look like a normal twenty-something married gal.
And I think that’s normal and okay. In the beginning I had a lot of pride and was so worried that if I asked for help I’d look weak. And I’d look like I was saying, “I can’t do this.”
But I could do it and I was good at it. I also needed some time to be alone. And if that’s selfish, then I’m okay with selfish.
Now that I have a 13 (almost 14) month old, I’m getting lots of sleep. I’ve been getting lots of sleep since he was 4 months old. But this age comes with other issues. He’s loud at restaurants and I’m easily embarrassed. He is starting to throw tantrums and that makes me nervous about what’s to come when he turns 2.
I’m adopting a new way of thinking when it comes to our family’s focus. Less stuff in exchange for a higher quality of life. It’s hard not to think about stuff when you’re a blogger who reads other blogs with gorgeous furniture, beautiful clothes, and yummy restaurants. I want everything I see.
So I’m working on selflessness when it comes to what I want versus what we need. What my family needs. It’s a hard transition, trust me, I know.
But I can’t stop being selfish when it comes to getting just an hour of time alone every day so I can breathe and decompress or get lost in my book. I think this is how some women stop knowing what songs are popular right now. Or how they end up wearing scrunchies in their hair twenty years after scrunchies have gone “out.” We get stuck in time because we’re so focused on raising the little people in our lives.
So I’m working on a balance. I never want to have regrets where I look at my house and see lots of stuff, but I wasn’t able to help pay for my child’s college education. And I want to be able to feed the parts of me that need to be fed in order to maintain my sense of self.
It takes constant effort to be able to do both of these things, and as mothers; working mothers, stay-at-home mothers, older mothers, younger mothers, single mothers, married mothers, I think we all know what this feels like.
{ 44 comments… read them below or add one }
I feel like everytime you write something I read thinking “This is me!” This post, however, hits even closer to home. I’m having one of “those” days. I got pregnant after six months of marriage and we were thrilled and I love my life (don’t misunderstand me here!). Our boy is 9 months old now and sleeping through the night but life is BUSY. I need a minute every now and then, too. In fact, just before I sat down to check Google Reader I put the boy down (in his SWING) to take a nap and it’s not naptime. I’m just that worn out today. So thank you for helping me feel a little less guilty. I think you’re right that we give up a lot – clothes, going out to eat, etc. – and it’s all worth it…but sometimes we just need a few minute to breathe!!! Enjoy it!
Here’s how it works with toddlers; if yours throws a wobbler in public, you’re either viewed by people who’ve had toddlers and don’t judge you or people who’ve never had toddlers and don’t get to judge you. Spot-on blog.
Great post! And I so agree about reading so many blogs and wanting so many things yet wanting to keep things simple.
wow! I’ve been married 5-month but am older. We want to have children soon but I’m with you.. it will be a big STOP sign!
And that’s why I can’t have children soon. I’m way too selfish.
Yep, i was reading nodding the whole time. I totally relate to what you wrote. Our daughter was quite a surprise too…..and I’m an only child. Hello! I look back now at how I was and realize I was pretty selfish. You definitely can’t be selfish when you have kids. I dont think “me time” is being selfish though. I think we all need it to re-energize. I agree it is so easy to look at blogs and just want everything. My wants never cease to end. It’s always something! Oh, and the whole toddler thing in restaurants….I’ve been told by others that I make a bigger deal out of it than customers or other people. Most people may not notice a whimper or a cry but to us it seems huge and disruptive. We’ve found it is just easier to stay at home.
You are such a beautiful writer!! Thank you so much for this post! I’m the exact same way- a lot of times I see things I want on other blogs but can’t afford because I’m a twenty something college student. While I’m not married or a mom, it’s still important to not place too much worth in material things so much as investing time in my friends or volunteering! xo
I just wanted you to know that although I may not be married and don’t have kids…. There is still so much I learn from you!!! Thank you
Needing time to yourself is not selfish. I think it is actually good. No one can be “on” 24/7. Also, I understand the need for balance. I went shopping for a couple of things last weekend, but got too much. Decided this morning that most of it was going back. No my husband is not making me – he didn’t even hint at taking it back. No we’re not starving or deep in debt. But the truth is we’ve been trying to put more in savings and less into stuff we just don’t need. I don’t want my son to think that everything he wants he must have immediately. I want him to learn the value of waiting and delaying gratification. So back to the store we go.
You are so right. Being a mother is probably the quickest way to learn how to be selfless! It is hard to strike a balance between being selfless all the time and still making a little time in your day to take care of your own needs! No matter how old your kids get, I think it will always be that way.
GREAT post! You know I can relate. I love your honesty. I’m with you on needing some “me” time. That’s one thing I have been trying to work on is realizing it benefits my entire family when I get a break and am able to decompress a little. If I don’t, then I not as good of a mom or a wife and I’m highly cranky as well!
I’m not a mother or a wife, yet, but I just loved this post!
Finding a balance is REALLY important. So is having “Erin Time”…….. my mom always said, “If I don’t take care of me and my sanity, then I won’t be able to properly take care of you.”
It’s YEARS from now, but eventually, Hudson will grow up. He’ll be driving and going to college and getting married and becoming a Daddy to his own children. When that happens, you don’t want to look around you and wonder what happened to Erin. You want to know who you are, so that you can model to Hudson how to know who he is.
I love the last paragraph when you said you don’t want to look around your house and see lots of stuff but can’t pay for college. Thats how I feel now. I don’t want to look at my closet in 2 years and see the reason why I can’t be a stay at home mom bc I’ve shopped so much!
This is something that I’ve been thinking about alot lately and need to work to stay in a budget so my dream can be a reality!!
It’s not called being selfish when you need “me” time. It’s called keeping the sanity therefore allowing you to keep those around you happy. I’m going through this again right now…. I’ve got an almost 3 yr old and a 4 month old. I’m at the phase where the adrenalin is now worn off and asking for help when I’m at my wits end. I am lucky in that my parents live close by! My mom has been/is a tremendous help! I had a friend say she was having a “me” day…. I responded and said I needed one of those. She came back at me with a “everyday is a Jamie day”. I took it in stride and didn’t comment. She’s never been able to have children and now in her mid 50’s. That comment kind of stung b/c if you’re not a mom you have no clue how crazy you feel some days.
I’ve always been careful about judging others’ and their children. The whole “glass house” deal….. I sure don’t need or want people judging me!
Great post! There is definitely a balance and that balance is different for every mother. I watched my mom be completely absorbed with my siblings and I, so much so that when we got out of the house, she didn’t know what to do or how to make friends. She also didn’t know how to relate to my dad. I think that is most of the reason why I still want to work (although I have plenty of days when I would rather stay home with my munchkins), go on vacation alone with husbie, and have time outs by myself. I think every mom would do herself a world of good to find out what she needs to stay balanced – whether it is working or spending a few hours a week roaming Target.
“It’s hard not to think about stuff when you’re a blogger who reads other blogs with gorgeous furniture, beautiful clothes, and yummy restaurants. I want everything I see.”
Ditto!!! I feel this way, too. Reading other commenters who empathized with this particular statement makes me feel less shallow and more human about measuring myself and my life against others’.
I feel the same way about wanting others people stuff but I am trying to enjoy what I have – just like you are! Being a mom is hard but so wonderful too.
I’m not a wife or a mother either but I still love reading your posts!! I learn so much!! I’m new to blogging still and a new follower but I have read A LOT of your past posts and they are great!!! Thank you!!
Wonderful post! Great insight and love this part of your post, please remember this. You are
a very wise woman!
So I’m working on a balance. I never want to have regrets where I look at my house and see lots of stuff, but I wasn’t able to help pay for my child’s college education. And I want to be able to feed the parts of me that need to be fed in order to maintain my sense of self.
Great post! Finding that balance is a daily (sometimes hourly!) struggle.
Love your blog
well said! it’s been 4 years since i started the balancing act, and while it’s gotten more natural, there are still times that it still feels brand new!
I’m struggling to share baby responsibilities with my husband. It makes me feel selfish to ask him to do anything, which I know is absurd. I guess since I’m a SAHM now, I feel like my baby girl is my “job” 24/7. I just automatically take care of her needs rather than allowing him to do it. (Gosh, I sound so controlling!) We’ve talked about it, though, and I’m looking for ways to let him share in parenting.
It is so hard to find that perfect balance between ‘mom’ and ‘person’. I’m a firm believer that you’ve got to take care of yourself to take care of your children, but it can be so tough to walk that line.
But that’s an adorable picture of Hudson!!
Great post!! I don’t have kids yet but the one thing that scares me the most is giving up my freedoms and selfishness. I know children are so worth but it’s scary to think about losing my “me time” and trying to find that perfect balance between myself, husband, and children.
I’ve found that my definition of what constitutes “me time” has changed over time. When my first baby was born I was so desperate for pieces of my old life back. Now that I have two, I find that just getting them both to nap at the same time makes me giddy. I know everyone says it, but I do know how fleeting this time is and I do want to enjoy it, without losing myself, like you said.
I swear one day we have to meet because we are a lot alike. I struggle daily with my “wants” versus what I know is best for my family. Every now and then I have to chill out on the blog reading because I get a bad case of the “i need what she has” syndrome. And honestly? I just can’t afford to keep up with some of the Joneses. It’s far more important to me now that she has good toys and good clothes and money in her bank account. I think it’s a sure sign of us growing and maturing that we realize that is what is important.
Not that it’s easy to always stick to. But I’m bound and determined to never take away from her. And if that means that I have to wear the same clothes for a few seasons, well so be it.
It doesn’t mean I’m giving up my girls nights though. I do need my sanity!
Beautiful post! As someone in their newly married, no children stage it was good to hear what it will be like. I am glad that you are taking some time for yourself! That is very important for being able to sustain happiness longterm.
After reading this post I feel like it was something I needed to hear. I get so caught up in what everyone else’s life looks like (mostly in blogs), and I try to do what they do or have what they have. That’s all good and well, as long as it’s also what we NEED. Being a mother is the most selfless thing I’ve ever done, and sometimes that is HARD for me – but SO worth it! I have a really hard time finding a good balance for me – I want more alone time and then when I get it I feel guilty for not spending time with my son, Aiden. Like I said, being a mother is a very selfless job no matter what type of mother you are (SAHM, working mother, single, married, etc.). Thank you for writing this post, I needed to read it!
I am not a mother, but from the outside looking in I think you have every right to be selfish sometimes. After all the work you do in the day you totally deserve an hour to yourself to collect your thoughts, relax, do something for you. I wouldn’t call that being selfish at all. I would say that without it mothers could probably lose it! If I didn’t have my lunch period or planning period (and there are days when I have had to give up both to help students) I feel like I’m going to loose it in front of 28 nine year olds. My situation is much different because I can send them home:) But I still say that you deserve that time-don’t feel bad. As Hudson gets older and goes to school you will be able to have a little more time to yourself (unless you have another little one), and it will get easier. Best wishes!
I’m a new reader, you’ve totally hooked me after your past few posts! My husband and I got married at the Furman Chapel as well, I look forward to following you! I’m a new blogger myself, lots to learn!
I love to see Moms talking realistically about motherhood so the rest of us don’t feel so bad about ourselves for being human. “Me” time makes you a better Mom – I really believe that. And don’t worry about the tantrums, every other Mom out there has been through it & isn’t judging you. And anyone who is judging you will be very surprised when they have their own kids one day to embarrass them in public. Enjoy your life now – it gets a whole lot messier with 2 kids!
As someone who got a very early start as a mom (at 18 the June after high school graduation. I’m now 25) this totally hits home with me. It’s something I’ve always struggled with. It’s hard to take care of yourself in order to be able to take care of everyone else. Luckily I have a huge support system full of loving family and a wonderful husband to help me. I also struggle with, well quite frankly, coveting what other people have and wanting it for myself. As much as I love it, the internet/blog world makes it even worse. I just try to remind myself that while everyone else’s life looks perfect that more than likely they are just like me. That don’ t have every little thing they want but are still happy with what they have. About the embarrassment in public with tantrums, don’t worry about it. We have all been there and lived to tell the tale. There are always going to be those who judge others, but those are the people who’s opinions I care least to hear. Btw, I love love love your blog and Hudson is such a cutie!
I hardly call it selfish. Maybe sanity, or mental health…but not selfish! Every mom needs a little time to herself.
Ooooh…I like this post.
After my Grandmother’s funeral and celebrating her wonderful, yet simple life, it gave me a huge desire to have the same. Stuff and $$ simply does not = happiness. Never has, never will. I have to admit, we learned that the hard way in our early 20’s. Debt free feels much better!!
It takes everything in me to ask someone to watch Amelia, so that I can do something. I always feel like I’m putting someone out by asking them to watch her. I don’t know why I feel that way!? Something I need to work on.
Here’s to keeping it simple. And to a little alone-time.
Great post. Thanks!
I think this post needs a permanent link on your blog! Wonderful!
Adorable picture of Hudson, as always.
I relate to a lot of this. My little girl is a miracle; there are only a few other women in the world with my disease who have had successful pregnancies, and I am so incredibly grateful for the chance to be a mommy against my health battles, but there are days when I just need a break and a chance to take care of myself. I think realizing you can’t do it all every single minute and actually asking for help is a huge facet to overcome in and of itself.
I couldn’t agree more!
I don’t know if I’ve ever commented here before, but I don’t think you could’ve hit the nail more squarely on the head. I have three children, 7,5 and 2 and somewhere along the way life and what you want and need, shifts. It’s a good shift – as long as you keep it all in balance! Oh, and if my three are any example, 3 is the new 2. And boys tantrums pass a lot more swiftly than girls!
I can definitely relate. By the way, that picture is ADORABLE. He is such a cutie pie.
AMEN! My husband and I just celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary this week, our little girl is only a couple days older than Hudson and I’m expecting my second child, a little boy, at the end of August. Talk about some major soul-searching in a 2 year period. My little girl was only 6 months old when I discovered I was unexpectedly pregnant and I’m ashamed at the way I felt. How could the Lord let this happen? I’m a new mom, totally devoted to my baby and now she won’t get to be a baby because there is another one coming??!! And what happened to my life, my “me” time? But almost 9 months later I know He has a bigger plan for our family, that there is a reason this happened this way. There are so many people in this world who would love to have just 1 child and we’ve been blessed with 2. But I felt like and still feel like “Christy” is gone. I’m just going through the motions to make sure family life for my husband and children measures up to what I experienced growing up and I wonder so often who is taking care of me, worrying about me? Deep down I know who that is but it is so, so hard to get through the days sometimes. I long for an uninterrupted trip to Target! Your post touched me so deeply, it’s such a comfort to know I’m not alone in feeling the way that I do. I love your blog, Hudson is a doll! And let me just say I totally agree with dressing that gorgeous little boy as a LITTLE BOY, not a teenager or small man!
CanI just say that this post really struck a chord with me? As a new mom, I often have “mommy guilt”. Like when my hubby comes home from work and all I can think about is racing off to Target for an hour just to have some “me time”. Or when, after a long day with my girls, all I want to do is take a bath! I am learning that a little me time is necessary. It helps me decompress and come back to my girls with more patience. And I am ok with that!
You put this very well! I am constantly craving ME time and I can’t find the right balance right now because it’s either I am neglecting myself, my husband, or baby….but you have to take care of yourself too!
Beautifully put. Some of the best advice given to me before my baby was born was to accept any and all offers to help with baby or around the house, and that it was ok for me to want and need time to myself. I credit that advice with getting me through these sleepless nights & allowing me to enjoy baby even more. I still feel guilty when I ask for the help, but I force myself to do so & am always glad I have so far.
And I also hear you on the struggling to not want the immediate “stuff” in favor of more long-term goals. I’m a material girl (if only it was the cool, Madonna sense, but no such luck), so it’s something I grapple with and know will be a different challenge with a kid in the picture.
Eloquently written – I loved this line – “And I want to be able to feed the parts of me that need to be fed in order to maintain my sense of self.” Its not about feeding your material needs, just the emotional ones that make up your essense. Nicely written!