our story of loss

Back when we sold our house and were telling our friends that we were moving in with Nana, I can’t even count how many times we heard people say, “At least you’re not pregnant.”

And we’d just laugh. Because it was true. We were moving our family of four and our two dogs in with Todd’s 90 year old grandmother. Adding another family member to that mix would surely put us in the category of “wearing out our welcome.”

Then just about three weeks ago, I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive.

I was almost two weeks late, and Todd and I had been joking about how we should just wait for me to take a pregnancy test. So we put it off  for as long as we could, but I had this major pull one day when I drove past the CVS. So I ran in, grabbed a test, and brought it home.

I waited for Todd to come home and told him that I’d bought a test.

You see, we had talked about having a third child, but we always said that we’d try when we got ourselves settled into a house. At this point we hadn’t even made the decision to build a house.

So we decided that I’d take the test when the boys went to bed. We held each other and prayed that no matter the result (although we both already knew in our gut) we thanked God for trusting us to take care of the wonderful children we’ve been given and praised Him for the possibility of another. That no matter how scared we might be in that moment, we were just so thankful.

I went to take the test and within about five seconds the two little lines indicating a positive test showed up. I walked out and showed Todd. He laughed and I cried.

We decided that due to our living circumstances, we should keep the pregnancy a secret for as long as possible. I got online and used a due date calculator to determine that I was already nearly seven weeks along.

I called the doctor the next day to schedule an appointment to come in around nine weeks.

And then that night things changed. As quickly as they began. At first I thought it might just be no big deal, but then it was undeniably a very big deal.

I went to the doctor for blood work, because it was still too early to detect a heart beat in an ultrasound. I had to wait two days to come back for more blood work to see if my hormone levels were doubling or going down. And then I had to wait over a long weekend for the results.

After the first appointment, I broke down and called my mom. I had held it together and tried to convince myself that it was nothing and it was no big deal up to that point. But as soon as I heard her voice, I lost it and just sobbed into the phone. And I probably just let myself cry for a good fifteen minutes.

And then the following Monday, it was confirmed that I had a miscarriage. It was early and no procedures were needed.

But it was heart breaking.

As soon as I took the test, I put this little person in our lives. I thought of us as a family of five. I saw a lifetime with this baby.
I imagined holding him or her. This was a member of our family. I could very vividly picture the first time I’d get to see his or her face. I had planned not to find out the sex of the baby. I knew what the due date would be. I imagined him or her playing with Hudson and Hayes. I dreamed of high school and play dates and all the friends I know who would have children the same age. My little person’s lifetime flashed before my eyes and stayed in my heart as soon as I saw those two little lines.

The feeling of loss has overwhelmed me. This is my little person and Todd’s little person. This is my boys’ brother or sister. I saw the life and the love and the future, and it was real.

My rowdy boys kept me very busy and kept my mind off of everything that week. It was about as painless as it could be.

So we’ve been drawing nearer and nearer to the Lord. I’m very sad and still very, very busy being a mother and a wife. Todd and I have praised Him in this trial. Because we have to look at everything and every hardship as an advantage to the Kingdom. We have to consider it joy, though I still cry when I think of it. I’m considering it joy.

.

Thank you for letting me share this piece of our story with you.

 

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Comments

  1. leslie says:

    I am so sorry. I’ve been there and can completely relate to the feelings you describe. Glad you have your little boys to hug extra tight.

  2. Cindy Sangalli says:

    I never knew how heartbreaking a miscarriage was until I had one myself. You have accurately described all the real emotios that go along with this heartbreaking loss. Continue to pour all of your feelings out to the Lord as it really helps you heal. May God continue to comfort you and your husband.

  3. Erin, I’m so sorry. I’m praying for you and Todd. Miscarriage is a terrible type of loss. You never get to see the sweet face of the one you lost. Thank you for sharing your story and for letting us all love on you guys a little bit through this.
    Ashley B recently posted..3-0My Profile

  4. Praying for you sweet friend. I am so sorry for this loss. Big hug!

  5. I’m so sorry for your loss, and will be praying for you and Todd. Big hugs!
    CAwife recently posted..2012 Book ListMy Profile

  6. Erin R. says:

    Thank you for sharing your story, Erin! Praying for you & Todd..

  7. Amnda says:

    Erin, Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve never experienced a miscarriage, but used to work as a chaplain and have worked with many women who have. There is so much grief even in the loss of the expectation of a little one. I pray that over time, God will heal your broken heart.

  8. I found your blog thru Kelly’s. I do not have a blog. So sorry for your loss. Your family is in my prayers in KY.

  9. Crewladedrinka says:

    Hey Erin, I’m so sorry to hear about your loss.

  10. Oh, Erin. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
    Emily (The Culinary Couple) recently posted..Sixteen MonthsMy Profile

  11. Oh, Erin. I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that I’m praying for you. Thank you for sharing your story. Your words were beautiful!
    Lauren recently posted..What I’m Reading: January BooksMy Profile

  12. Erin, I am so sorry. I have been reading your blog for a while but have never commented. Just today I had an ultrasound as a follow-up to a recent miscarriage, that happened when I was about 6 weeks along. It was so strange to come home from the doctor, open my laptop, and browse the blogs, including yours, that I usually read, and to read your post. Thank you for sharing your story.

  13. I’m so sorry for your loss, Erin – I’ll be thinking of your family.
    Kate recently posted..11 months!My Profile

  14. I am so so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family!

  15. I found your blog a while ago and have enjoyed following your family as I have 2 kids close in age to your Hudson and Hayes (and was intrigued to find out that your parents live in Muncie as my husband and I met at Taylor University close to Muncie and now live in Fishers). Anyways, I just wanted to say how very sorry I am about your loss. My heart breaks for you as I know this loss all too well. I miscarried my first pregnancy 4 years ago and over Christmas we lost our son Isaac 22 weeks into the pregnancy. Losing a child is heartbreaking no matter how long you carried your baby. Praying for you in the weeks and months to come.
    Esther recently posted..Pumpkin Patch 2012My Profile

  16. Mollie says:

    You’re so strong to share your story. I have been there – it’s not easy, but God is good.

  17. Kristy says:

    I’m so sorry, Erin. You and your family are in my thoughts.

  18. I’m so sorry for your heartbreak. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts. xo

  19. Praying for you. I know this is a terrible loss but so glad you have your faith to get you through.
    Sara@ Confessions of a Redheaded Mama recently posted..Pregnancy Fears & A Dreaded Phone CallMy Profile

  20. Kristin says:

    So sorry for your loss.

  21. carson says:

    i ache for you, and i will rejoice in prayer for you. you have been, and will be, blessed many times over. remember to smile and soak up every bit of love hudson and hayes are pouring over you. thank you for sharing your journey. {hugs}

  22. Jessica R. says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. My husband and I have lost two pregnancies in the last 7 months and they are heartbreaking. I will pray for peace that surpasses all understanding for you, Erin!

  23. Kristen says:

    I am so sorry for your loss, Erin. I know the pain of miscarriage all too well. My husband and I are on our 4th pregnancy after three consecutive losses. You are not alone. May God bless you.

  24. Erin, I am so sorry for your loss. This post brought tears to my eyes and your words give a better understanding to those of us who haven’t walked that path. Thanks so much for sharing.
    ~lisa
    Floating Along
    Lisa @ Floating Along… recently posted..2012 Year in ReviewMy Profile

  25. Erin,
    Thank you for sharing this. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage and I needed a D&C. I woke up from the surgery and my nurse said, “I’m so sorry.” Her kindness allowed me to start grieving right away. My husband and I just held each other and let it all out. That’s the best advice I can give…don’t stop the grieving. Let it come.
    May the Lord be close to you in this time. I will pray for you (I mean that).
    Becky
    Becky recently posted..Cookies and CalzonesMy Profile

  26. Oh Erin, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss! Praying for peace and comfort for you and your family. xo

  27. I am so sorry for your loss. I suffered a miscarriage in late 2011 after trying for awhile for a baby. To say the loss was devestating would be an understatement. I mourned that sweet baby for close to a year… the tears wouldn’t stop. While the crying has definitely lessened quite a bit every once in awhile I think of that sweet baby and how old he/she should be now and it hurts my heart. As much as it hurt and still does sometimes, I am thankful for the experience… and all of the heartache and know when I am blessed again with another baby I will appreciate every single moment.

  28. Oh, Erin! I’m sorry for your loss. Your faith, strength and honesty is a testament and encouragement to us all. I can’t say that I know what you’re going through as I haven’t been there, but I will be praying for you and Todd and that you will both feel the comfort, joy and peace that only God can provide.
    Anna recently posted..Stop and Smell the Roses {February 6, 2013}My Profile

  29. Dear friend, I have never met you but feel that I know you from this blog. My heart aches for you and your family. I lost my angel baby this past September and there is nothing like the sorrow of losing a child no matter the age. It was also an early miscarriage. I had prayed for this baby and gone thru fertility a third time and to lose the baby was devastating. Mercy Me had just released their album The Hurt and The Healer and a friend gave it to me. The song You Are I Am really touched me and helped me at the same time.
    You’re the One who conquers Giants,
    You’re the One who calls out kings,
    You shut the mouths of lions,
    You tell the dead to breathe.
    You’re the One who walks through fire,
    You take the orphan’s hand,
    You are the One Messiah,
    You are I am!
    The one who can do all that is holding our babies right now! What more comfort can we have than knowing this? Hold on to your husband and little guys and continue to grow closer as a family in faith.

    The Lord worked a miracle on this body of mine and I am almost 5 months pregnant. Yes, he surprised us right away with no fertility. :) He is so good and can work amazing wonders in our lives! You will be in my prayers!
    Julie recently posted..Week 2/52 PicsMy Profile

  30. Mollie says:

    So sorry for your loss…miscarriage is so difficult. Praying for your family…

  31. cathy says:

    So sorry!!!! I know how hard it is. God just had another plan.

  32. Margot says:

    Erin,
    I am so,so sorry for the loss of your precious baby. I understand your pain, and there are no words to describe it. I will pray for a peace that surpasses all understanding. Your little angel is now woven into every thread of your being. Sometimes the only comfort I find is knowing I will have a forever with my babies in Heaven, and I hope that thought will bring you comfort in time, too. You are such an amazing mommy to all of your children, and I truly admire your strength, faith and positive spirit. I was in awe of how many others had experienced such loss as ours,and found that connecting with others was an essential part of the grieving process and the healing process as well. You are not alone, and you are very brave to share your story. We found going to a support group to be just what our hearts needed at the time. We are local in Charlotte and went to Kindermourn. I really can’t say enough about them, and I would be happy to share more/help get you connected with them if you ever feel drawn to do so.
    Thie poem was given to me in the wake of the loss of our twins, and I still look at it daily. I hope it brings some comfort to you.

    God hath not promised skies always blue
    Flower strewn pathways, all our lives through;
    God hath not promised sun without rain,
    Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.

    But God hath promised strength for the day,
    Rest for the labour, light for the way,
    Grace for the trials, help from above,
    Unfailing kindness, undying love.

    May each day be a little better than the day before. Keeping you in my prayers!
    Margot recently posted..I’m going to do this.My Profile

  33. anonymous says:

    Oh, Erin. Dear, sweet, Erin. My stomach dropped when I read the title of your post and I choked back tears as you shared what you’ve been through in the last few weeks. I’m so, so sorry. I can’t even imagine what you are feeling and I hope that the love and support of your friends, family and community (both virtual and in real life) will help carry you through this time.

    First of all, let me apologize in advance for anything that I’m about to write that is (at best) not even remotely helpful or (at worst) hurtful. I’ve experienced enough loss and tragedy to know that people…even caring, well meaning people…often say the most asinine things when they don’t know what to say. I pray I’m not one of them today.

    It took incredibly bravery on your part to share the story of your loss with us and I’m so glad you did…for a couple of reasons. I’m a big believer in the power of ritual to help us through our lives. Most of life’s major events (marriages, births, graduations etc) are marked by them. When a loved one (that has been born) dies, we have rituals to literally pull us through some of the stages of grief: services, funerals, memorials….support…casseroles. Miscarriage, on the other hand seems to be suffered through in isolation. I hope that sharing your story, and the subsequent outpouring of support from your readers, helped you feel less alone.

    The other reason is more personal…selfish perhaps. I think bloggers –whether they know it or not – are leaders. We look up to them. Emulate them. I do anyway. Not a week goes by that I don’t use a product, idea, recipe or coping strategy that I’ve learned from you. Reading about your family’s adventures brings a smile to my face, gives me something to shoot for makes me feel more human. I think it’s important for us readers to remember that bloggers are also human beings. You’re an *exceptionally* beautiful, talented, generous, loving, creative, kind, fortunate, photogenic, intelligent, strong (yet somehow humble!) one, and yet, a flesh and blood human being nonetheless. A woman who experiences emotions like fear, hope, doubt, joy, frustration, love….and bone crushing sorrow. Like the rest of us. I know that your ability to share your vulnerabilities with us readers is what draws so many to your blog. Thanks for allowing us to support you right now. Thanks also for leading by example and giving us permission to be human and to be vulnerable and to reach out for help and support in our own lives.

    Lastly…the fact that during this, what may be the darkest hour that you and Todd have faced as a family, you were able to still profess your faith and trust in the Lord is nothing short of a miracle. Another gift to us. Another example which I will continue to strive to follow.

    Okay, for someone who doesn’t know what to say, I’ve rambled long enough. You and Todd are in my prayers. My heart breaks for you. I pray for comfort and healing and understanding and fortitude in the coming weeks and months.

    xoxo

  34. Oh, Erin, honey, I am so sorry. :’( So, so sorry. Not only can I sympathize, but I can empathize, with you as well as I, too, have suffered a miscarriage, two to be exact. Both of mine ended in procedures because my body doesn’t like to take care of things on its own, so that made it doubly as hard. I am so sorry you had to go through this, it is heartbreaking. You begin to imagine this life with them, their name, what they’ll look like, how their room may be decorated, etc. And then it all comes crashing down on you. I pray for comfort and healing – physically, mentally, emotionally – for both you and Todd during this difficult time. May the Lord hold you as you get through this and try to understand why. Hold your boys extra right tonight. Much love. <3

  35. Big hugs, girl. You are obviously not alone on this one. And it’s still so hard to navigate through the sadness and anger after a loss. You are blessed that your body did what it was supposed to do without a procedure–I wasn’t as lucky, but in the end every survivor of loss has to make it to the other side somehow. Big hugs, mama.
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  36. Beverly says:

    Oh, Erin! I am so sorry! Sending prayers!

  37. Thank you for having the courage to share. I’ve been following your blog for years and since we have boys roughly the same ages, so much of what you’ve written has applied to my life as well. Now as I am miscarrying my third child your words speak so much to me. You’ve helped me feel a little less alone in this. Thank you for that. I will be praying for you and your family in the days to come.

  38. So sorry to hear about your loss. Sending prayers and thinking of you.
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  39. Maria says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. My first pregnancy was the same. I had a miscarriage at work at about 8 weeks. I know the pain of the life lost and dreams, however short lived, dreamt. Wishing you peace.

  40. Amanda says:

    Thank you for your honesty about such a heart breaking topic. My husband and I are trying for our first and I was elated to find out we were pregnant halfway through January. We were so excited and making big plans. Without going into the nitty gritty, it was officially confirmed I miscarried this Thursday. Our hearts are broken. I never knew the pain of loss like this and I will keep you and your family in my prayers. My pastor talked about how wonderful it is to know God is in control during his sermon today and that knowledge is giving me hope. I pray that helps you as well.

  41. Oh Erin! I’ve been terribly absent from blogs lately and I hate that I didn’t know you were going through some pain and sorrow. Sending you loads of love & keeping y’all in my prayers. Massive amounts of hugs being virtually sent to you…
    cyndi recently posted..emotionalMy Profile

  42. Rachel says:

    I had a very similar miscarriage almost a year ago. Your experience, thoughts, dreams, and feeling were almost identical to mine. Thank you for sharing your story. No truly understands unless they have personally experienced it.

  43. I have been reading your blog for quite some time… But I have been away and am just catching up. I understand what you are going through and will be praying for you. I think you put it exactly perfect… The moment those two little lines appear, you picture this life so vividly. I am praying for your comfort. God bless you.
    Candace recently posted..I have been thinking…My Profile

  44. I just found your blog through Sheaffer, so I am catching up on it.
    I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I know there are no words to make it better, but just know you are not alone. I have 3 kids, but had 2 miscarriages before I had them. It is such a hard experience.
    You can read my story here:
    http://thelarsonlingo.blogspot.com/2012/10/a-day-to-remember.html

    Praying for you, Erin. May God wrap his arms around you and heal you. May you cling to his promises & may He give you the desires of your heart.
    xoxo.
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  45. I just read this post of yours through Sheaffer and before I saw Melissa’s post above (we are friends and co-workers!), I thought the same…how sorry I am for your loss, how your words were similar to mine and how in times like these, we draw near to God.

    http://mybeautifulnoise.blogspot.com/2009/11/whos-leader-of-club.html

    May you find comfort and peace…

  46. I am so sorry for your loss. I too suffered a miscarriage immediately before I got pregnant with my sweet daughter Olivia. It was devastating. Like you said, from the second you see that second line on the pregnancy test, you write this little miracle into your lives. Praying for you and your family.

  47. Oh Erin! Just now seeing this and I am so sorry! Thinking of you! xoxo
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  48. Oh E, I am so sorry I am so behind, and I am so so sorry for your loss. Through teary eyes, I will praise God with you that He has a perfect plan, but I also mourn with you, and will be praying for you and your whole sweet fam. Love you! Sending you all lots of love and so many hugs!
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